Secret Handshake

I had joined a Ravelry group called (I think), "Dealing with Pregnancy Loss". One of the threads contained a link to a blog - "Stirrup Queens" (I can't get the link to show up, so here's the address- http://www.stirrup-queens.com/2006/09/history-of-infertilitys-common-thread/ .) It talked about how we as women experiencing infertility wished we had some sort of secret handshake to recognize each other, and they came up with a solution. Tying a red string the color of pomegranates around one's right wrist. Some have added beads for each miscarriage or still birth they've had the misfortune to have. I think it's a great idea! Here's my story, which explains why...

After my husband and I got married nearly 8 years ago, we expected to come home pregnant from the honeymoon. We planned to. We scheduled our wedding so that I'd be ovulating on the honeymoon. Well, it didn't happen, and every cycle I rode the emotional rollercoaster. I'm not sure if it's a blessing or a curse that I have long cycles, running between 35-45 days. It bothered me at the time, because I felt I had to wait longer between tries. But maybe it was better that I didn't have to ride that rollercoaster another time or two every year. In the beginning, I stayed optimistic. I kept thinking that it would happen. After all, it had taken 5 months of unprotected sex to get pregnant with my daughter, back when I was 18, with that boyfriend who claimed he couldn't have kids.

As time wore on, I started to lose hope. My husband was not interested in trying any doctor-related stuff. There would be no collecting and combining my husband's sperm into a major dose for IUI. He was waiting on God. (You can read about that and our success in a previous blog post called "Making Babies" August 2010) At some point, I was in despair. I didn't think it would happen, I had no hope, but still "hoped" when it got to that point in the cycle, out of habit, desperation, I don't know. I hated seeing pregnant women, especially the young ones, who could be just teens. Why them?! WHY NOT ME? I couldn't even enjoy seeing babies in the stores. I used to always smile, say "hi", tell the mom how cute the baby/toddler was - not anymore. I resented the pregnant world and their babies!

When, at 4-1/2 years of marriage (and trying) I got pregnant with our son (after my husband fasted and prayed for it), I was finally, ecstatically pregnant. That is the point at which I could have (had I known of it) been wearing this red thread bracelet to say, "Don't look at my belly and hate me, as I have hated. I am one of you, I have been in pain, I have cried and screamed and prayed and pleaded. I am your sister."

I plan to make and wear my own bracelet, and maybe I'll see some sisters, and maybe someone will ask what it's for and I can explain. We have a common thread.

Stopped, but started again

Well, it has been such a long time since I've posted. Shortly after Thanksgiving, or perhaps after that next cycle didn't yield a pregnancy, I stopped fasting. It was just too painful. So close on the heels of the pain, all it did was remind me of loss, not help me to pray again for gain. I forgot about the blogging, and the fasting and praying. It wasn't until my one Christian sister Kate was over to play a board game that I was reminded...

She said, "I read your blog." and left it at that. My immediate thoughts? My blog? Oh. ...Ooohhhhh. Now she knows (about the pregnancy and miscarriage at Thanksgiving). Uummm.
Outwardly I say, "Oh? How..." trying to sound nonchalant, but probably looking a touch panicked. She answers the unfinished question, "I found it on your ravelry profile page." Ah, that. Kindly, she was discreet and said, "the part about J's underwear was my favorite" Meaning, I'm sorry for the other part. I smile a little. Those underwear are cute, after all. "Are you still fasting?" she asks. "no," I say. We leave it at that. At some later date, when we were alone, she asked me more, "you didn't tell anybody?" "No."

Well, it has inspired me to go back to fasting and praying for the Lord to bless us with another baby. Now that the worst pain is past, I can do it again. I've been at it for a whole cycle already, and am halfway through the next. Our boy J is 2-1/2. He does well with babies at church and in the family. He'd do well with a baby brother or sister.

And,

One of my other sisters had a baby boy 4 months ago. I have enjoyed holding him. When I went to visit him the first week after he was born (at home, with the same midwife I used! :) ), I thought my period might be late and confided that to her. (Turned out not, I got it the next day, which was another close-to-tears moment when she asked me about it a few weeks later.) At one point during our visit, he started to cry for food - how did I know? Um, my breasts ached. Seriously? I only had (literally) a few drops anymore, and they were trying to let down. I treasured that feeling - it had been so long since I'd felt it, but at the same time it saddened me. I think I spent two thirds of the visit close to tears. I was so happy for her, but so sad for me. Since then, I have gotten over the sad part. I can now visit with them without feeling like I might cry, which is nice. I get to just enjoy holding a little one and kissing his forehead.

Lord, please please please be generous to us and give us another healthy baby.

Our Sadness

In the intervening time since my last post, we have been so unfortunate as to lose the baby. I miscarried the week of Thanksgiving, and on Thanksgiving day, instead of being able to share our happy news, we busied ourselves in the kitchen to (not forget, but) bury our sorrows. My husband said, "I've learned that it doesn't matter if it's at 5 days or five weeks or years or decades - a loss is a loss." We were devastated. We told our daughter the night that the miscarriage started. We hadn't yet told her we were pregnant, but it seemed like the right thing, to let her know that mom and dad were going through something painful, because she's sensitive to such things. She handled it really well, likely because she learned of the baby's life and death at the same time, whereas we knew of and made plans for our baby for a week before it all came crashing down.

I think my husband and I were partly stuffing it down. Last week Thursday (hmm, the second?) was the first time I broke down and sobbed, and then I did it once or twice more in the course of the day. I wrote a short letter each to my baby, my husband, his boss, my mom, and God. None of them will get these letters, except the last. He knew it before I wrote it down, but getting it out was therapeutic. I told my baby how much I missed him/her and how much and happily we had looked forward to meeting. I thanked my husband for being supportive and understanding, and also for grieving with me instead of thinking me a loony for being so sad at baby's quite early death. I scolded his boss for (basically) telling him he was being ridiculous to find this sad at all, and financially irresponsible to want as many children as the Lord would bless us with (ugh - we tried 4-1/2 years to get pregnant! It sure would seem like we're not going to have a dozen or two, don't you think? He and I come from large families - 8 and 6, respectively - so we wouldn't at all mind having a vanfull). I ranted at my mother, who is divorcing my father (bailing on him in quite a non-Christian manner), which ticks me off, so I'm not talking to her except when I have to - and now, when one would usually go to one's mother for support and comfort, I can't even tell her, because I don't want to chance her hurting me more. I told God I don't blame him, and don't need an explanation, but could he please be so generous as to allow us to get pregnant again on the next cycle and keep everything working properly so we don't lose another baby? Please.

Speaking of which, I picked the fasting and praying back up immediately - during my miscarriage, taking only Thanksgiving day off from my normal fasting schedule. I'm sure there are "professionals" out there that would say that was a bad idea (for that first day), but what do I care? I rely on God, not my food.

Here's hoping (but mostly praying and fasting) that we'll have good news by Christmas.

Baby Made (or "The Generosity of the Lord")

I haven't been on in 2 months - they've been very busy, and I didn't have the time, but when I realized yesterday that my prayer was answered, I knew I had to get here and give God the credit he's due. Back in September I decided to do for my hubby what he had done for me, fast two days a week while praying for another baby, as hubby was quite saddened that it hadn't happened already. One cycle passed normally, and here I stand, in the second cycle (in which it seemed to take forever to ovulate - 30 days), pregnant. I haven't had a positive test yet, but I'm only two days late, and last time I was a week late before I got a faint line. But, my bbt is still up, and went higher than it normally does, and I've got all the pregnant symptoms from 2 years (well, almost 3, counting from conception). Sore boobs, tenderness at the low-rise waistline, and a tightness or pressure at my solar plexus, which last time I thought meant my bra was too tight. In addition to that, I have learned since last time that a "pregnant" cervix is high, closed, and soft, as opposed to high and firm. We are quite overjoyed at the Lord's generosity and love in answering our prayer!

I am also quite happy that I've been diligent on our healthy eating program. We started at the beginning of October, and planned to do it for the month, with 5 days "off" that we could take. We decided near the end of Oct. to keep going until Thanksgiving, without any additional days "off", but able to use the two we still had left. I was 175 (at 5'7" or 8"?), which was already down about 7 pounds because I was trying somewhat successfully to eat healthy over the summer. On Michi's Ladder (the program we're following) I've gotten down to, as of this morning, 158. I'm back in my 12's which are a touch loose, and am wearing a Medium shirt for the first time in eight or ten years. I am only 3 pounds above High school weight, though I wore 10's then, being all muscle, and slimmer than now. This is good because over the next nine months I'll be putting on some weight! And after I have this baby, I won't make the mistake of overeating to "have enough" calories for full-time nursing.

My mind has already turned to what to knit for this child, our little "Ziggy".

A Rash from Underwear?!

I've been compelled to put aside my knitting projects to sew for my son.  Yes, I'm knitting for him, but when the Disney underwear gave him a rash on his lower back at the waistband, sewing moved up the priority list.  There's nothing like an under-2 boy saying, "Ow, mama, ow" to motivate you!

I had found a free pattern for briefs online when I thought the store-bought ones would be too big, and dug through my bookmarks to find it.  I decided to use it to make "bikini" briefs w/o a fly, because I have to pull his pants down anyway.  The first problem I had was that they don't list how much material is needed, so I printed the pieces and brought them with to lay on the fabric.  I went with 1/4 yd. (though after doing a lot of cutting, I've decided that 1/3 yd. would be better, cuz the cutting was a scoach tight a few times due to the fabric not being entirely straight), and I bought 4 solids and 4 patterned to mix and match.  The first two attempts at cutting resulted in a piece of fabric that couldn't wrap all the way around him, but on the third try I had the sizing right, so I traced the shape onto a piece of paper.  The online pattern was, for me, just a starting point.

The first pair, on a store-bought cloth trainer.

When I sewed that first one, I found some problems with the fit.  I hadn't made the waistband and leg bands wide enough, so they were difficult to sew, and there was also the ever-present (with trainers and underwear from the store) gap in the leg holes, so that when he sat you could see his whole package.  I widened the bands, and made the leg bands shorter, so they'd draw the leg in more, but I also took some inspiration from daddy's drawer.  Hmm, I found they aren't cut straight, but on a curve, which creates a comfy "pouch".  I can do that!  I made my pattern to have only two seams - one down the center front, and one to connect the front and back crotch - by putting the center back on a fold.  Add the curve, and voila!  The second and third pairs, sewn at the same time, came out perfectly!

The second pair on the first, and my home-made pattern.

10 to sew! (right edge is on the fold)

Happy comfy boy!

Now I have pieces for 10 more pairs cut out ( I found I got about 3 pairs cut per 1/4 yd [next time 1/3 yd] but that's for a boy who still wears 12 mo. pants), and when I have more 1/2" elastic, I'll get them all sewn in a day.  In the meantime, he's wearing the soft (and baggy) cotton trainers.  I hope to share my pattern and instruction on here, for anyone else who is searching for a pattern for some soft undies for their little man.  I just need to figure out how to get the pattern piece on here...

Making Babies

We have a rather unusual way of going about making babies, but it has arisen out of need and experience.  Our daughter (10) was, at one point, my daughter - I was a single mom.  Then I met and subsequently married (in July 2003) my husband and he legally adopted her, and we started trying to conceive on our honeymoon.  We tried for a long time.  DH went to the doctor and, to put it in his words, "found out there wasn't a lot to look at."  We kept trying.

In January 2008, my husband told me he was going to start fasting and praying two days a week for us until I had a baby.  His reasoning was that that's what they did in the Bible when they really needed/wanted something, not as a "payment" for being answered, but more to show that they were serious and it meant so much to them that they were willing to give things up.  I, not being cynical, but out of hope, asked, "and what if I don't?"  His reply was, " then I'll fast two days a week for the rest of my life."  Talk about commitment!

I was probably past the point of conception that cycle when he told me, and at the end, when I was expecting my period, I had about 10 days of aching boobs (that's about 8 more than usual) and started to wonder, but then got my period.  The achiness happened again the next cycle, and I told myself to ignore it, because it didn't mean anything... but then I didn't get my period.  I was charting at the time, and so I knew I was late, and Monday took a test, which came out negative.  The instructions say to wait a week and try again, so... I waited two days.

The Wednesday test came out negative as well, but maybe, possibly with the slightest hint of a line, but maybe I was just seeing the coloring because it got wet and showed through a little.  On Friday, I took a third, and there really was a line, it was faint, but it was there!  When I called my husband at work, he could immediately tell something was up, and when I told him, he was speechless.  I was beaming, and had a feeling he was too.  He said, "I have to restrain myself from jumping on the desk and shouting it out!"  When he came home that evening, he said that a lot of the people in the office had asked what was making him so smiley today.

That was a month and a half after he started, and he continued fasting and praying until little Jasper was born in November, conceived naturally (using nothin' but lovin'), but a miracle child nonetheless. We prayed quite a bit for "Ziggy" while he was growing, most especially for protection and proper growth, because my hormones were low, and there was threatened miscarriage, and in the end, he came through.  Haha - literally!  :)

Here we are 21 months later with a strong intelligent boy, and I've been "ready" to have another for about 6 or 8 months, but figured let it if He wills it.  I had the opportunity to hold a little baby this weekend, and it ignited the warm and fuzzies in me.  Last night, my husband said something to me and something about its sadness and wistfulness struck me.  I asked him about it, and he said yes, he was sad that I'm not already pregnant again.  So I think I will return the favor, and do for him what he once did for me, and, Lord be willing, we'll have another!

First ever Frog

Last night I finished the front band for my hat, and found myself between balls on the sweater.  Wanting to try a new method of joining yarn, but needing to wait for the computer, I finally frogged (unraveled, for you who may not knit) a baby blanket that I had started, oh, perhaps 4 or 5 years ago.  It had a lovely pattern, and was in this beautiful blue cotton yarn.  It was only 3-1/2 inches long, though, put aside long ago after I didn't have the right number of stitches at the end of a row; I unknit and reknit the row, and looked carefully, but just couldn't find the problem, so there it sat.

I came across this UFO (unfinished object) while looking through stash yarn I'd forgotten I had, searching for the right thing to use for a knee-pant trial-run.  Hmm, it's lightweight, cotton not wool, and blue to boot, plus, there are 8 or 9 balls of it - perfect!  However, I cast on some new stitches next to it on the needles to make my gauge swatch, not quite ready to commit to frogging... that was two weeks ago, and today I finally worked up the nerve to slip it off the needles.  Okay, I *would* have slipped it off the needles, but I used to knit *so* tightly, that I had to pry it off!  I don't have a niddy noddy, and my chairs are wider at the top, so I wound it gently around the laptop screen  while I was waiting for it to start up.

Now it's soaking in the water-bath, and after I gently press out the extra water and it hangs to dry, it will be lovely and straight and ready for use!  It's kind of funny, but I feel a sort of peace and calm about it, even a happiness - and why not?  To have such yarn revitalized, no longer languishing in a drawer, and being lovingly created into something new feels so refreshing.  It gets a second chance at life!