Secret Handshake

I had joined a Ravelry group called (I think), "Dealing with Pregnancy Loss". One of the threads contained a link to a blog - "Stirrup Queens" (I can't get the link to show up, so here's the address- http://www.stirrup-queens.com/2006/09/history-of-infertilitys-common-thread/ .) It talked about how we as women experiencing infertility wished we had some sort of secret handshake to recognize each other, and they came up with a solution. Tying a red string the color of pomegranates around one's right wrist. Some have added beads for each miscarriage or still birth they've had the misfortune to have. I think it's a great idea! Here's my story, which explains why...

After my husband and I got married nearly 8 years ago, we expected to come home pregnant from the honeymoon. We planned to. We scheduled our wedding so that I'd be ovulating on the honeymoon. Well, it didn't happen, and every cycle I rode the emotional rollercoaster. I'm not sure if it's a blessing or a curse that I have long cycles, running between 35-45 days. It bothered me at the time, because I felt I had to wait longer between tries. But maybe it was better that I didn't have to ride that rollercoaster another time or two every year. In the beginning, I stayed optimistic. I kept thinking that it would happen. After all, it had taken 5 months of unprotected sex to get pregnant with my daughter, back when I was 18, with that boyfriend who claimed he couldn't have kids.

As time wore on, I started to lose hope. My husband was not interested in trying any doctor-related stuff. There would be no collecting and combining my husband's sperm into a major dose for IUI. He was waiting on God. (You can read about that and our success in a previous blog post called "Making Babies" August 2010) At some point, I was in despair. I didn't think it would happen, I had no hope, but still "hoped" when it got to that point in the cycle, out of habit, desperation, I don't know. I hated seeing pregnant women, especially the young ones, who could be just teens. Why them?! WHY NOT ME? I couldn't even enjoy seeing babies in the stores. I used to always smile, say "hi", tell the mom how cute the baby/toddler was - not anymore. I resented the pregnant world and their babies!

When, at 4-1/2 years of marriage (and trying) I got pregnant with our son (after my husband fasted and prayed for it), I was finally, ecstatically pregnant. That is the point at which I could have (had I known of it) been wearing this red thread bracelet to say, "Don't look at my belly and hate me, as I have hated. I am one of you, I have been in pain, I have cried and screamed and prayed and pleaded. I am your sister."

I plan to make and wear my own bracelet, and maybe I'll see some sisters, and maybe someone will ask what it's for and I can explain. We have a common thread.