Secret Handshake

I had joined a Ravelry group called (I think), "Dealing with Pregnancy Loss". One of the threads contained a link to a blog - "Stirrup Queens" (I can't get the link to show up, so here's the address- http://www.stirrup-queens.com/2006/09/history-of-infertilitys-common-thread/ .) It talked about how we as women experiencing infertility wished we had some sort of secret handshake to recognize each other, and they came up with a solution. Tying a red string the color of pomegranates around one's right wrist. Some have added beads for each miscarriage or still birth they've had the misfortune to have. I think it's a great idea! Here's my story, which explains why...

After my husband and I got married nearly 8 years ago, we expected to come home pregnant from the honeymoon. We planned to. We scheduled our wedding so that I'd be ovulating on the honeymoon. Well, it didn't happen, and every cycle I rode the emotional rollercoaster. I'm not sure if it's a blessing or a curse that I have long cycles, running between 35-45 days. It bothered me at the time, because I felt I had to wait longer between tries. But maybe it was better that I didn't have to ride that rollercoaster another time or two every year. In the beginning, I stayed optimistic. I kept thinking that it would happen. After all, it had taken 5 months of unprotected sex to get pregnant with my daughter, back when I was 18, with that boyfriend who claimed he couldn't have kids.

As time wore on, I started to lose hope. My husband was not interested in trying any doctor-related stuff. There would be no collecting and combining my husband's sperm into a major dose for IUI. He was waiting on God. (You can read about that and our success in a previous blog post called "Making Babies" August 2010) At some point, I was in despair. I didn't think it would happen, I had no hope, but still "hoped" when it got to that point in the cycle, out of habit, desperation, I don't know. I hated seeing pregnant women, especially the young ones, who could be just teens. Why them?! WHY NOT ME? I couldn't even enjoy seeing babies in the stores. I used to always smile, say "hi", tell the mom how cute the baby/toddler was - not anymore. I resented the pregnant world and their babies!

When, at 4-1/2 years of marriage (and trying) I got pregnant with our son (after my husband fasted and prayed for it), I was finally, ecstatically pregnant. That is the point at which I could have (had I known of it) been wearing this red thread bracelet to say, "Don't look at my belly and hate me, as I have hated. I am one of you, I have been in pain, I have cried and screamed and prayed and pleaded. I am your sister."

I plan to make and wear my own bracelet, and maybe I'll see some sisters, and maybe someone will ask what it's for and I can explain. We have a common thread.

Stopped, but started again

Well, it has been such a long time since I've posted. Shortly after Thanksgiving, or perhaps after that next cycle didn't yield a pregnancy, I stopped fasting. It was just too painful. So close on the heels of the pain, all it did was remind me of loss, not help me to pray again for gain. I forgot about the blogging, and the fasting and praying. It wasn't until my one Christian sister Kate was over to play a board game that I was reminded...

She said, "I read your blog." and left it at that. My immediate thoughts? My blog? Oh. ...Ooohhhhh. Now she knows (about the pregnancy and miscarriage at Thanksgiving). Uummm.
Outwardly I say, "Oh? How..." trying to sound nonchalant, but probably looking a touch panicked. She answers the unfinished question, "I found it on your ravelry profile page." Ah, that. Kindly, she was discreet and said, "the part about J's underwear was my favorite" Meaning, I'm sorry for the other part. I smile a little. Those underwear are cute, after all. "Are you still fasting?" she asks. "no," I say. We leave it at that. At some later date, when we were alone, she asked me more, "you didn't tell anybody?" "No."

Well, it has inspired me to go back to fasting and praying for the Lord to bless us with another baby. Now that the worst pain is past, I can do it again. I've been at it for a whole cycle already, and am halfway through the next. Our boy J is 2-1/2. He does well with babies at church and in the family. He'd do well with a baby brother or sister.

And,

One of my other sisters had a baby boy 4 months ago. I have enjoyed holding him. When I went to visit him the first week after he was born (at home, with the same midwife I used! :) ), I thought my period might be late and confided that to her. (Turned out not, I got it the next day, which was another close-to-tears moment when she asked me about it a few weeks later.) At one point during our visit, he started to cry for food - how did I know? Um, my breasts ached. Seriously? I only had (literally) a few drops anymore, and they were trying to let down. I treasured that feeling - it had been so long since I'd felt it, but at the same time it saddened me. I think I spent two thirds of the visit close to tears. I was so happy for her, but so sad for me. Since then, I have gotten over the sad part. I can now visit with them without feeling like I might cry, which is nice. I get to just enjoy holding a little one and kissing his forehead.

Lord, please please please be generous to us and give us another healthy baby.