Last night I woke from an amazing dream at 4 am. I was leading choir practice at our church (nevermind that we don't have a choir) and some people were assigned particular verses to sing individually, then all would sing on the chorus. I sang my verse, and we were supposed to go into the chorus then, but I stopped, thinking I didn't know the chorus saying, "we haven't gone over it, we've just skipped to the verses." A friend from worship team (Hanson) who was there to help, gestured for the guitar, which was in a guitar-shaped well in the back cover of the lyrics book and started to play the music for it and I realized I did know the tune and words and started singing.
I feel my baby's movement for the first time, a foot in my right ribcage (IRL, I haven't definitively felt the first movement yet). I look down and can see the tiny foot with all the toes, and pull my shirt up to show some nearby people this tiny perfect foot, about 1-1/2" long. I think, with a foot that big, the baby's got to be bigger than a lime (which is what one site currently says about baby's approximate size). Then I look down at my lap, and I'm sitting in the front row of church and holding my baby (who is smallish newborn size), umbilical cord still attached (though after waking I realize it was limp and white, not pulsing and bright). I think, it's too soon, I have to put(stuff) the baby back in, so I start to stuff the umbilical cord in my pants. I get up and tell two ladies that I have to go to the hospital because I'm only 18-20 weeks pregnant. Then I feel that foot in my ribs again and I look down and it looks the same, and I think, "twins" and hold up the born baby's foot to the inside one. The born baby's foot is nearly twice as long as unborn's, and I wonder if the inside one stopped growing because it died - I have to get an ultrasound at the hospital too, to see if this one is still alive. So I walk out the door, down the front of the building to the next door, and walk in to the hospital.
I tell the lady at the desk that I have an emergency, I'm only 11 weeks pregnant (by this time I've remembered the truth) and she interupts me to start berating me: "Well, if you have your baby at home or ...(I don't remember the other thing she had a problem with) then you should call 911 for the ambulance." I cut her short, and politely say, "well it's too late for that, so could you just help me with this?" At some point I "realize" that I could have gotten pregnant with the inside baby during my pregnancy with born baby, and that would explain the size difference. The placenta for the first baby comes out while I'm in a hospital room (I think they tugged gently on it, those meddling folks - don't they know they can cause me to hemmhorage that way?!) and we wait to see if the second baby's placenta will stay firmly attached, or if it was partly atop the one that came out. I'm not really bleeding, just wipe a tissue that comes away with small streaks of blood, so the second placenta is fine. I think about how strange it is that I'll be adjusting to life with a new baby, while still waiting for the second one to be born in a few more months - and I wake up.
I went back to sleep after thinking about the dream for a little bit, and when my husband's alarm went off, I told him about it. We snuggled warmly over it, exchanging "I love you"s, and prayed for the baby and our family.
***
The part where I was so adamant about stuffing the baby back in comes, I believe, from my research into birth and some potential problems. I came across cord prolapse, where the cord presents or even comes out before the baby - it is life-threatening (at least to the baby) and requires emergency c-section. If one is at home when the cord presents, it must be stuffed back inside, to remain wet and at the right temperature; the woman must kneel with her chest on the floor, and her bottom up, and often a (partner's) hand needs to be inserted to hold the baby off the umbilical cord. She remains in that position throughout the (ambulance) ride to the hospital, and the paramedics should call the hospital to arrange for an immediate c-section. The baby's life can be saved from suffocation in this manner.
We are preparing ourselves for an Unassisted Childbirth (UC). We had discussed it last time with our boy, but as it would be hubby's first experience with birth he was not comfortable with the idea. This time, he brought it up and asked if we were doing it. We did not really talk about it much, just prayed individually and reached the same conclusion - that this was for us. Currently, we do not plan to call even any family to come for the birth, just to have ourselves and our two children. Our 11-yo daughter has volunteered to watch our 3-yo during the birth, "because I know all about birth now". She watched her younger brother's midwife-attended homebirth from the arms of a good friend. We know that God has built my body for the purpose of growing and carrying and birthing and nursing this baby, and that He will guide us. We don't go this route in ignorance - I am researching so that we are aware if a complication arises or anything goes wrong, so that we may deal properly with, for example, shoulder dystocia, or know if we need to transfer to the hospital, which is only 20 minutes away. Pregnancy and childbirth are not illnesses, they are a natural state and event which we were built for.
I love to show that the pregnant body is a beautiful thing, not something to hide in shame! I love being pregnant! I enjoy every minute of it! At the same time, I'm so excited and happy that I can't wait to really be showing, to grow and grow round, to surprise the people we only see in the warm weather with my obvious belly, to wear my bikini in the summer out on the boat with my round belly, to float in the lake to relieve the pressure of the extra weight, and ultimately to bring this beautiful child into the world - to meet him or her and nourish Ziggy at my breast. Ziggy Stardust (our womb nickname we are re-using from the boy) is due to emerge around July 14th, Bastille Day. We are not finding out the sex this time as my hubby wants the surprise on birth day.
I hope to have more wondrous dreams about our little one.
Friday, December 30, 2011
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
Change of Attitude = Good, aka good news
I had had a big change of attitude and mindset when I wrote my last post. I had given up the fasting a couple of weeks before, and had never been really great at remembering to pray consistently to get pregnant. When I made that post, my focus had just shifted - family, responsible finances, etc. were more important than getting pregnant. And just 9 days later I ovulated and got pregnant. It was a big surprise, let me tell you!
If I'm really honest with myself I have to say I was treating the whole "fast and pray" thing like it was a coin in the "God vending machine", after all, it worked when my husband did it, so I knew what coin I needed, right? However, my husband has been encouraging me to spend time in scripture (I never really have had a good track record there, but once I get into a routine with it, it's easier), and I have been submitting to his authority and reading. We finished John, and are now in Luke, plus we're reading James this week along with our 11yo daughter. I've also been really careful with spending money - taking responsibility for it. And I guess God saw some good developing in me and decided to give me a reward. Or perhaps it's just because he's so awesome and generous. I don't know, but either way, I am ecstatic!
And for that $3500 that was going to be deductible to come out of pocket? We just received our HSA debit cards, so we won't even have to wait to be reimbursed - it'll come straight out of there! Is the Lord generous, or what?! Now we just have to figure out cars, because mine is a Mini Cooper. I'm leaning towards keeping it, since my daughter sits in the front anyway, I can put the 3yo boy and the baby in the back and it'll work just fine for weekday stuff. For family outings and weekly laundromat trips we can use the Jeep. But hub's car is high-mileage and he's thinking to retire it and use the Mini, and I'd get a crossover or van or something. Which I wouldn't mind, but it's more money. We'll see.
DS's 3rd birthday was this past Sunday and so we had his party on Saturday. We announced our news to our family and friends then, and on Thanksgiving we'll tell the rest. :)
Thanks be to the Lord!
If I'm really honest with myself I have to say I was treating the whole "fast and pray" thing like it was a coin in the "God vending machine", after all, it worked when my husband did it, so I knew what coin I needed, right? However, my husband has been encouraging me to spend time in scripture (I never really have had a good track record there, but once I get into a routine with it, it's easier), and I have been submitting to his authority and reading. We finished John, and are now in Luke, plus we're reading James this week along with our 11yo daughter. I've also been really careful with spending money - taking responsibility for it. And I guess God saw some good developing in me and decided to give me a reward. Or perhaps it's just because he's so awesome and generous. I don't know, but either way, I am ecstatic!
And for that $3500 that was going to be deductible to come out of pocket? We just received our HSA debit cards, so we won't even have to wait to be reimbursed - it'll come straight out of there! Is the Lord generous, or what?! Now we just have to figure out cars, because mine is a Mini Cooper. I'm leaning towards keeping it, since my daughter sits in the front anyway, I can put the 3yo boy and the baby in the back and it'll work just fine for weekday stuff. For family outings and weekly laundromat trips we can use the Jeep. But hub's car is high-mileage and he's thinking to retire it and use the Mini, and I'd get a crossover or van or something. Which I wouldn't mind, but it's more money. We'll see.
DS's 3rd birthday was this past Sunday and so we had his party on Saturday. We announced our news to our family and friends then, and on Thanksgiving we'll tell the rest. :)
Thanks be to the Lord!
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
Letting go, but not really
I decided to stop (give up on) the fasting. It had no effects other than making me cranky and always thinking this would be the month, so I'm done. The Lord knows my desires, so I leave it in his hands. Stinking tired of my body's wacko playing with me. I finally worked up the courage to ask dh if he'd try vitamins, so we know he nutritionally has all the building blocks and he said yes! What? I can hardly believe it, I never thought he'd go for it. But here I sit, not having even ordered them, because we are so jammed up financially that I'm trying to sell books I'm not reading, and buy as little food as possible, and work up knit designs that I hope will sell. It feels like the mortgage, real estate taxes, and car/home/boat/life insurance payments are drowning us right now. And heating season is here. Can you say 62 degrees F? So I can't afford $60 for a month's worth of 2 supplements for him. Which is really a minimum of $180 because sperm are produced over the course of 3 months, so it's supposed to take that long to see the effects.
Right now, I'm praying more in the way of, "Lord, we need money. A baby can wait, cuz that'd be $3500 out-of-pocket." Though I never stop hoping to get pregnant... the human mind can be a horrid crazy thing.
Right now, I'm praying more in the way of, "Lord, we need money. A baby can wait, cuz that'd be $3500 out-of-pocket." Though I never stop hoping to get pregnant... the human mind can be a horrid crazy thing.
Friday, September 30, 2011
Catching up
It's been such a long time. I'm still fasting and praying, though not every week, and not always both days within a week. I'm weary. I never fast the week I get my period, it's just too much.
I'm busy with my knitting, I have so many projects going, and so many more planned and it seems like there aren't enough hours in the day to get them all done (if I didn't do any housework there would be more, but that's not really an option). I finished my first pair of small-gauge handknit socks, and well, all of you who say, "you can't go back to store socks" you're all right. They are comfy and not baggy and fit perfectly. But I have too many other things to knit right now to make me more socks at the moment. I finished a secong pair of aran-weight sock/slippers for my son, who is 3 in November. I'm mostly-done with the first of a pair of matching gift capelets for the 3- and 5-yo daughters of my MIL's eye doc, who has taken such good care of her. I need to re-knit the frogged (unraveled) hat that turned out too big for my husband last year. I have two half-finished lace shawls, one I started years ago for my daughter and a new KAL one for me. I have a gift shawl for a friend at church started. I'm halfway through a tubular shawl/poncho for my daughter that I started last year for Christmas and is probably too small now. I still have to finish the armholes on a baby vest I test knit.
I need to knit dd a button-up vest to keep warm in school, and a WINTER hat for ds. I'd like to knit ds another vest for while the other is drying on the rack. A herringbone scarf for dh, a winter hat and cowl for me, fat aran slipper/socks for dh (and me), a spring/summer tank top or two for me. I'd really like to knit a skirt for me, but want to re-lose some of this weight. You get the idea.
As for losing the weight, well, I haven't really done any excercise worth mentioning since ds was born. (I know, ugh, it disgusts me.) I used to really LOVE working out, but now all I do is find ways to avoid it. BUT, as a family we have started a new thing. Hubs has done it for a couple of years now, and suggested we join him. It started with him passing a gym sign that said, "100 in 100". It was the last hundred days in the year, and he decided to do "miles". Well, September 23rd was the first of those hundred days this year, and so far I'm on track (uh, I haven't done today's yet, but if I miss one I always make it up). I'm not doing miles, I'm doing workout videos, with an option of doing 5o push-ups and cruches instead. After 6 days, dh tells me he can see a difference, feel the change in muscle tone. I tell him he's crazy, it's only been 6 days, but he insists. Dd buckled her buckle one notch in today - she was so happy. The thing is, exercising helps us want to eat better too.
I had my 30th birthday earlier this month, and while I don't feel older, it *does* remind me that I'm not getting younger, and must take care of this body of mine so I don't feel old before I *am*. The desire is easy, it's the follow-through that's hard. :)
I'm busy with my knitting, I have so many projects going, and so many more planned and it seems like there aren't enough hours in the day to get them all done (if I didn't do any housework there would be more, but that's not really an option). I finished my first pair of small-gauge handknit socks, and well, all of you who say, "you can't go back to store socks" you're all right. They are comfy and not baggy and fit perfectly. But I have too many other things to knit right now to make me more socks at the moment. I finished a secong pair of aran-weight sock/slippers for my son, who is 3 in November. I'm mostly-done with the first of a pair of matching gift capelets for the 3- and 5-yo daughters of my MIL's eye doc, who has taken such good care of her. I need to re-knit the frogged (unraveled) hat that turned out too big for my husband last year. I have two half-finished lace shawls, one I started years ago for my daughter and a new KAL one for me. I have a gift shawl for a friend at church started. I'm halfway through a tubular shawl/poncho for my daughter that I started last year for Christmas and is probably too small now. I still have to finish the armholes on a baby vest I test knit.
I need to knit dd a button-up vest to keep warm in school, and a WINTER hat for ds. I'd like to knit ds another vest for while the other is drying on the rack. A herringbone scarf for dh, a winter hat and cowl for me, fat aran slipper/socks for dh (and me), a spring/summer tank top or two for me. I'd really like to knit a skirt for me, but want to re-lose some of this weight. You get the idea.
As for losing the weight, well, I haven't really done any excercise worth mentioning since ds was born. (I know, ugh, it disgusts me.) I used to really LOVE working out, but now all I do is find ways to avoid it. BUT, as a family we have started a new thing. Hubs has done it for a couple of years now, and suggested we join him. It started with him passing a gym sign that said, "100 in 100". It was the last hundred days in the year, and he decided to do "miles". Well, September 23rd was the first of those hundred days this year, and so far I'm on track (uh, I haven't done today's yet, but if I miss one I always make it up). I'm not doing miles, I'm doing workout videos, with an option of doing 5o push-ups and cruches instead. After 6 days, dh tells me he can see a difference, feel the change in muscle tone. I tell him he's crazy, it's only been 6 days, but he insists. Dd buckled her buckle one notch in today - she was so happy. The thing is, exercising helps us want to eat better too.
I had my 30th birthday earlier this month, and while I don't feel older, it *does* remind me that I'm not getting younger, and must take care of this body of mine so I don't feel old before I *am*. The desire is easy, it's the follow-through that's hard. :)
Monday, June 20, 2011
Secret Handshake
I had joined a Ravelry group called (I think), "Dealing with Pregnancy Loss". One of the threads contained a link to a blog - "Stirrup Queens" (I can't get the link to show up, so here's the address- http://www.stirrup-queens.com/2006/09/history-of-infertilitys-common-thread/ .) It talked about how we as women experiencing infertility wished we had some sort of secret handshake to recognize each other, and they came up with a solution. Tying a red string the color of pomegranates around one's right wrist. Some have added beads for each miscarriage or still birth they've had the misfortune to have. I think it's a great idea! Here's my story, which explains why...
After my husband and I got married nearly 8 years ago, we expected to come home pregnant from the honeymoon. We planned to. We scheduled our wedding so that I'd be ovulating on the honeymoon. Well, it didn't happen, and every cycle I rode the emotional rollercoaster. I'm not sure if it's a blessing or a curse that I have long cycles, running between 35-45 days. It bothered me at the time, because I felt I had to wait longer between tries. But maybe it was better that I didn't have to ride that rollercoaster another time or two every year. In the beginning, I stayed optimistic. I kept thinking that it would happen. After all, it had taken 5 months of unprotected sex to get pregnant with my daughter, back when I was 18, with that boyfriend who claimed he couldn't have kids.
As time wore on, I started to lose hope. My husband was not interested in trying any doctor-related stuff. There would be no collecting and combining my husband's sperm into a major dose for IUI. He was waiting on God. (You can read about that and our success in a previous blog post called "Making Babies" August 2010) At some point, I was in despair. I didn't think it would happen, I had no hope, but still "hoped" when it got to that point in the cycle, out of habit, desperation, I don't know. I hated seeing pregnant women, especially the young ones, who could be just teens. Why them?! WHY NOT ME? I couldn't even enjoy seeing babies in the stores. I used to always smile, say "hi", tell the mom how cute the baby/toddler was - not anymore. I resented the pregnant world and their babies!
When, at 4-1/2 years of marriage (and trying) I got pregnant with our son (after my husband fasted and prayed for it), I was finally, ecstatically pregnant. That is the point at which I could have (had I known of it) been wearing this red thread bracelet to say, "Don't look at my belly and hate me, as I have hated. I am one of you, I have been in pain, I have cried and screamed and prayed and pleaded. I am your sister."
I plan to make and wear my own bracelet, and maybe I'll see some sisters, and maybe someone will ask what it's for and I can explain. We have a common thread.
After my husband and I got married nearly 8 years ago, we expected to come home pregnant from the honeymoon. We planned to. We scheduled our wedding so that I'd be ovulating on the honeymoon. Well, it didn't happen, and every cycle I rode the emotional rollercoaster. I'm not sure if it's a blessing or a curse that I have long cycles, running between 35-45 days. It bothered me at the time, because I felt I had to wait longer between tries. But maybe it was better that I didn't have to ride that rollercoaster another time or two every year. In the beginning, I stayed optimistic. I kept thinking that it would happen. After all, it had taken 5 months of unprotected sex to get pregnant with my daughter, back when I was 18, with that boyfriend who claimed he couldn't have kids.
As time wore on, I started to lose hope. My husband was not interested in trying any doctor-related stuff. There would be no collecting and combining my husband's sperm into a major dose for IUI. He was waiting on God. (You can read about that and our success in a previous blog post called "Making Babies" August 2010) At some point, I was in despair. I didn't think it would happen, I had no hope, but still "hoped" when it got to that point in the cycle, out of habit, desperation, I don't know. I hated seeing pregnant women, especially the young ones, who could be just teens. Why them?! WHY NOT ME? I couldn't even enjoy seeing babies in the stores. I used to always smile, say "hi", tell the mom how cute the baby/toddler was - not anymore. I resented the pregnant world and their babies!
When, at 4-1/2 years of marriage (and trying) I got pregnant with our son (after my husband fasted and prayed for it), I was finally, ecstatically pregnant. That is the point at which I could have (had I known of it) been wearing this red thread bracelet to say, "Don't look at my belly and hate me, as I have hated. I am one of you, I have been in pain, I have cried and screamed and prayed and pleaded. I am your sister."
I plan to make and wear my own bracelet, and maybe I'll see some sisters, and maybe someone will ask what it's for and I can explain. We have a common thread.
Stopped, but started again
Well, it has been such a long time since I've posted. Shortly after Thanksgiving, or perhaps after that next cycle didn't yield a pregnancy, I stopped fasting. It was just too painful. So close on the heels of the pain, all it did was remind me of loss, not help me to pray again for gain. I forgot about the blogging, and the fasting and praying. It wasn't until my one Christian sister Kate was over to play a board game that I was reminded...
She said, "I read your blog." and left it at that. My immediate thoughts? My blog? Oh. ...Ooohhhhh. Now she knows (about the pregnancy and miscarriage at Thanksgiving). Uummm.
Outwardly I say, "Oh? How..." trying to sound nonchalant, but probably looking a touch panicked. She answers the unfinished question, "I found it on your ravelry profile page." Ah, that. Kindly, she was discreet and said, "the part about J's underwear was my favorite" Meaning, I'm sorry for the other part. I smile a little. Those underwear are cute, after all. "Are you still fasting?" she asks. "no," I say. We leave it at that. At some later date, when we were alone, she asked me more, "you didn't tell anybody?" "No."
Well, it has inspired me to go back to fasting and praying for the Lord to bless us with another baby. Now that the worst pain is past, I can do it again. I've been at it for a whole cycle already, and am halfway through the next. Our boy J is 2-1/2. He does well with babies at church and in the family. He'd do well with a baby brother or sister.
And,
One of my other sisters had a baby boy 4 months ago. I have enjoyed holding him. When I went to visit him the first week after he was born (at home, with the same midwife I used! :) ), I thought my period might be late and confided that to her. (Turned out not, I got it the next day, which was another close-to-tears moment when she asked me about it a few weeks later.) At one point during our visit, he started to cry for food - how did I know? Um, my breasts ached. Seriously? I only had (literally) a few drops anymore, and they were trying to let down. I treasured that feeling - it had been so long since I'd felt it, but at the same time it saddened me. I think I spent two thirds of the visit close to tears. I was so happy for her, but so sad for me. Since then, I have gotten over the sad part. I can now visit with them without feeling like I might cry, which is nice. I get to just enjoy holding a little one and kissing his forehead.
Lord, please please please be generous to us and give us another healthy baby.
She said, "I read your blog." and left it at that. My immediate thoughts? My blog? Oh. ...Ooohhhhh. Now she knows (about the pregnancy and miscarriage at Thanksgiving). Uummm.
Outwardly I say, "Oh? How..." trying to sound nonchalant, but probably looking a touch panicked. She answers the unfinished question, "I found it on your ravelry profile page." Ah, that. Kindly, she was discreet and said, "the part about J's underwear was my favorite" Meaning, I'm sorry for the other part. I smile a little. Those underwear are cute, after all. "Are you still fasting?" she asks. "no," I say. We leave it at that. At some later date, when we were alone, she asked me more, "you didn't tell anybody?" "No."
Well, it has inspired me to go back to fasting and praying for the Lord to bless us with another baby. Now that the worst pain is past, I can do it again. I've been at it for a whole cycle already, and am halfway through the next. Our boy J is 2-1/2. He does well with babies at church and in the family. He'd do well with a baby brother or sister.
And,
One of my other sisters had a baby boy 4 months ago. I have enjoyed holding him. When I went to visit him the first week after he was born (at home, with the same midwife I used! :) ), I thought my period might be late and confided that to her. (Turned out not, I got it the next day, which was another close-to-tears moment when she asked me about it a few weeks later.) At one point during our visit, he started to cry for food - how did I know? Um, my breasts ached. Seriously? I only had (literally) a few drops anymore, and they were trying to let down. I treasured that feeling - it had been so long since I'd felt it, but at the same time it saddened me. I think I spent two thirds of the visit close to tears. I was so happy for her, but so sad for me. Since then, I have gotten over the sad part. I can now visit with them without feeling like I might cry, which is nice. I get to just enjoy holding a little one and kissing his forehead.
Lord, please please please be generous to us and give us another healthy baby.
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