In the intervening time since my last post, we have been so unfortunate as to lose the baby. I miscarried the week of Thanksgiving, and on Thanksgiving day, instead of being able to share our happy news, we busied ourselves in the kitchen to (not forget, but) bury our sorrows. My husband said, "I've learned that it doesn't matter if it's at 5 days or five weeks or years or decades - a loss is a loss." We were devastated. We told our daughter the night that the miscarriage started. We hadn't yet told her we were pregnant, but it seemed like the right thing, to let her know that mom and dad were going through something painful, because she's sensitive to such things. She handled it really well, likely because she learned of the baby's life and death at the same time, whereas we knew of and made plans for our baby for a week before it all came crashing down.
I think my husband and I were partly stuffing it down. Last week Thursday (hmm, the second?) was the first time I broke down and sobbed, and then I did it once or twice more in the course of the day. I wrote a short letter each to my baby, my husband, his boss, my mom, and God. None of them will get these letters, except the last. He knew it before I wrote it down, but getting it out was therapeutic. I told my baby how much I missed him/her and how much and happily we had looked forward to meeting. I thanked my husband for being supportive and understanding, and also for grieving with me instead of thinking me a loony for being so sad at baby's quite early death. I scolded his boss for (basically) telling him he was being ridiculous to find this sad at all, and financially irresponsible to want as many children as the Lord would bless us with (ugh - we tried 4-1/2 years to get pregnant! It sure would seem like we're not going to have a dozen or two, don't you think? He and I come from large families - 8 and 6, respectively - so we wouldn't at all mind having a vanfull). I ranted at my mother, who is divorcing my father (bailing on him in quite a non-Christian manner), which ticks me off, so I'm not talking to her except when I have to - and now, when one would usually go to one's mother for support and comfort, I can't even tell her, because I don't want to chance her hurting me more. I told God I don't blame him, and don't need an explanation, but could he please be so generous as to allow us to get pregnant again on the next cycle and keep everything working properly so we don't lose another baby? Please.
Speaking of which, I picked the fasting and praying back up immediately - during my miscarriage, taking only Thanksgiving day off from my normal fasting schedule. I'm sure there are "professionals" out there that would say that was a bad idea (for that first day), but what do I care? I rely on God, not my food.
Here's hoping (but mostly praying and fasting) that we'll have good news by Christmas.
